the ugly earring

I have a girlfriend who believes that romance is like a two-hour romantic comedy film. That a man must woo and bring daffodils, that he’ll error–perhaps in Las Vegas where he gets a little whacky with his bachelor buddies–she’ll find out, and he’ll lose the girl. He’ll later realize how worthless his life is without her, and that she is forever gone. He’ll chase her to oblivion–ultimately winning her forgiveness, confessing that his loins and heart belong to only her. Afterward, an engagement and a happy ending. All this in two hours and 23 minutes.It’s no wonder that she is constantly broken-hearted and disappointed when the reality of her affair slips after two months of courtship and falls into a sadistic world of his “I-don’t-know-what-I-want” and unreturned phone calls. Her confidence shattered, she blames herself for his disappearance. “What’s wrong with me?” she’ll ask. Soon, she’ll become infatuated with her spinning class; she’ll fall asleep to her Netflix rentals or the imaginary bohunk that has entertained her many lonely nights.

Perhaps this is the result of years sitting in front of the television, of being brainwashed to the point that “entertainment” is reality, and reality is just not good enough. A man is unable to commit. A woman must tell herself, “Give a little but not too much. Play the game like a man. Wear a mask and never expose the real you just in case he decides to leave. A defense mechanism. He leaves because of the face you wear and not because of you, the real you.”

Many search for that heightened sense of the first kiss, that magical moment at the end of the film when the two are reunited passionately. After all, this is what romance is supposed to feel like. Or is it?

Just a couple of months ago, the friend read me excerpts from He’s Just Not That into You by Greg Behrendt, which had become her bedside manifesto. Suddenly, the day-dreamy ideals that she developed during years of watching Jennifer Aniston movies became more far-fetched and separated from reality. She says to me, for example, “I want to find a chiseled 6’2 male who doesn’t cheat, who doesn’t look at other women, who’s a successful artist, who is rich and says ‘I will support you; I’ll pay off your debts. Please go and pursue your painting….I’ll take care of everything.’ He also cleans the bathtub, has a great sense of humor, won’t like porn, won’t care if my thighs are chunky, enjoys shopping and likes to cuddle, will buy me gifts on Valentine’s day and after two years of dating he’ll propose in Hawaii, and it will be the happiest day of my life!”

Consumed with her ideal of Mr. Wonderful, she searches for him, dates around but realizes that she’ll never be satisfied with Mr. Normal when Mr. Perfect is what she deserves. She decides to stop dating because fate will bring him to her. Yes, he will appear on her front porch randomly one evening as she’s flopped on the couch with another re-run of Seinfeld.

She’ll watch as the many nights she spent waiting for him have now passed–the last ones of her twenties. She’ll sink into a deeper loneliness. She’ll discover her strongest traits are bitterness and jealousy.

I could tell her that love isn’t the things that are locked up in her heart pendant–that the road to a healthy relationship is sometimes crooked and dysfunctional and not even close to the daily events that are conjured up in her daydream or her favorite film. But, she refuses to turn off her television and hand over Mr. Perfect.

I wonder if she’ll ever leave her self open enough to experience a partner that is not only a lover but an annoying brother, a best friend and an enemy? A partner who becomes her other half–who catches her when she stumbles but is also the culprit behind her fall.

I confess to her that in most relationships there are wars declared behind bedroom doors, and peace treaties signed over vegan lasagna and a clean kitchen. She looks at me blankly and responds, “Isn’t it tragic that Brad left Jennifer for Angelina Jolie?”

A gift for you realists and those who have found their other half:

“If we have the strength to take a relationship as far as it will go. To discard the false masks, to live through the outbursts of hatred and violence, to confront honestly our full range of feelings, we may discover and emotional capacity that is much deeper and richer than we expect. The doubts are never quieted, the struggle is never over, the confusion is never eliminated, but the imperfect love comforts and survives.”

–Ingmar Bergman